[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
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Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”