Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
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Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.