realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
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just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions