If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
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I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
anyone else like Italian cereal