Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
You Might Also Like
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.