[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
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Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol