I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
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Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Ken is short for chicken
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Yes, this is exactly right
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.