me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
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Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.