What Bob, you’re interrupting.
You Might Also Like
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Brother?
next question.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
step 6: release the wall snake