If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
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The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!