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unbelievably distressed by this ad
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie