Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
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My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too