Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
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If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
incredible book dedication
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
blocked.