WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
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The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there