Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
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Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
kitchen magnet
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family