The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
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“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
jesus, what did this guy do
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law