(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Check out the legs on this baby
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.