It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
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Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Tell me you get it…🤣
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”