I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*