me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
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The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Can Happiness buy money?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)