[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
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The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
the rocks need my help
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :