This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
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Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”