*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
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Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.