opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
You Might Also Like
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath