There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
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Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
first you must answer his riddles
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.