I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
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“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.