*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
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[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.