wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
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Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Great Canadian literature.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)