Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
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HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
No, YOUR illiterate.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks