Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
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🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Festive toon…
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”