Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
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me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
my astrological sign is a french fry
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”