{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
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me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
When your parents check you’re ok.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Just why bro?!
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT