Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
You Might Also Like
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.