I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
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Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
started wrapping my pills in cheese
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on