Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
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Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues