Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
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Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
What even happened today?