I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
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[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?