babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
You Might Also Like
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”