Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
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Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.