ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
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It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.