All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread