I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
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Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
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What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
What is going on? 😅
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.