Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
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The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong