dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
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A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”