There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
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I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.