HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
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Dyslexics are teople poo!
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.