When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
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Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
The struggle is real
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up