Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
You Might Also Like
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I’M CRYINGGG
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
it be like that
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this