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Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
lost dog
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
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PhewThe Chosen Phew