I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”